Anxiously attached individuals can find relationships challenging to navigate. However, they find specific scenarios and behaviors that are particularly triggering.
These include:
- Their partner acting inconsistently (hot-and-cold behavior)
- Their partner not responding or taking a long time to respond
- Avoidant behaviors (e.g., being physically rejected, communication being shut down;
- the other person walking away)
- A friend spending more time with other people
- Experiencing emotional distress
- Feeling criticized/ rejected
- Being alone
- Perceiving a response to be cold or dismissive
- When their partner seems distant or distracted
- Someone forgetting an important event, such as a birthday or anniversary
- Their partner coming home late or being late to a reservation
- Their partner not noticing something new (e.g., a new haircut or outfit)
Situations and behaviors like these trigger intense and overwhelming emotions in anxious individuals because, in their eyes, they are signs of rejection and abandonment – their greatest fear. To cope with these emotions and avoid rejection, they subconsciously employ “hyperactivating strategies.”
These behaviors aim to keep their partner close, but unfortunately, they often have the opposite effect and push their partner further away. For anxiously attached people, the fear of being rejected and abandoned is very real. Therefore, they may believe their responses and behaviors are justified. They may believe that the responsibility lies with their partner/friend/family member and that if these individuals were more caring, supportive, and loving, they would not experience this kind of anxiety.
However, the actual cause of the overwhelming fear is low self-esteem, often stemming from unstable or difficult relationships in childhood/ adolescence. Therefore, feeling less anxious and more secure in relationships means healing yourself, building your self-esteem, and taking control of your emotions and behaviors.
It means stepping into your power and learning that it’s okay to be alone and that you can be there for yourself.
Here are some initial steps you can take:
Challenge negative thinking: Your initial thoughts might not be the only way to view a situation. Ask yourself whether your view is in line with facts and logic. Or is there another explanation? Be aware that it can be difficult to see flaws in your logic. Long-held thoughts and beliefs can feel factual, even if they are opinions.
Also, notice if you’re having these thought patterns that erode self-esteem:
All-or-nothing thinking. This involves seeing things as either all good or all bad. For example, you may think, “If I don’t succeed in this task, I’m a total failure.”
Mental filtering. This means you focus and dwell on the negatives. It can distort your view of a person or situation. For example, “I made a mistake on that report and now everyone will realize I’m not up to the job.”
Converting positives into negatives. This may involve rejecting your achievements and other positive experiences by insisting they don’t count. For example, “Of course, this email campaign performed great; the last campaign I did was a complete disaster.”
Jumping to negative conclusions. You may reach a negative conclusion with little or no evidence. For example, “My boyfriend hasn’t replied to my text, so I must have done something to make him angry.”
Mistaking feelings for facts. You may confuse feelings or beliefs with facts. For example, “I feel so fat right now; my body is so gross.”
Negative self-talk. You undervalue yourself. You may put yourself down or joke about your faults. For example, you may say, “I’m such an idiot; I can’t believe I did that.”
Adjust your thoughts and beliefs. Now, replace negative or untrue thoughts with positive, accurate thoughts. Try these strategies:
Use hopeful statements. Be kind and encouraging to yourself. Instead of thinking a situation won’t go well, focus on the positive. Tell yourself, “Even though it’s tough, I can handle this.”
Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. But mistakes aren’t permanent reflections on you as a person. They’re moments in time. Tell yourself, “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t make me a bad person.”
Avoid ‘should’ and ‘must’ statements. If your thoughts are full of these words, you might put too many demands on yourself. Try to remove these words from your thoughts. It may lead to a healthier view of what to expect from yourself.
Focus on the positive. Think about the parts of your life that work well. Remember the skills you’ve used to cope with challenges.
Consider what you’ve learned. What changes can you make if it was a negative experience? What are you learning about yourself?
Re-label upsetting thoughts. Think of negative thoughts as signals to try new, healthy patterns. Ask yourself, “What can I think and do to make this less stressful?”
Encourage yourself and give yourself credit for making positive changes. For example, “My presentation might not have been perfect, but my colleagues asked questions and remained engaged. That means I met my goal.”
Change is absolutely possible, no matter how overwhelming your emotions may feel right now. By recognizing your triggers, challenging negative thoughts, and embracing healthier ways of thinking, you can build emotional resilience and foster secure, fulfilling relationships.
Healing takes time, but every step you take brings you closer to the inner peace and confidence you deserve. Trust in your ability to grow, and remember, you have the power to rewrite your story.
