How to Set Healthy Boundaries: Healing from Narcissistic and Borderline Parents

How to Set Healthy Boundaries: Healing from Narcissistic and Borderline Parents

For the sake of exploring boundaries together, let’s look at an example of an adult daughter, Emma, who grew up in an environment with a father with narcissistic personality disorder and a mother with borderline personality disorder. 

Being raised by a father with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a mother with borderline personality disorder (BPD) would have deeply impacted Emma’s ability to understand and establish healthy boundaries. 

Emma’s upbringing likely led to confusion and inconsistency regarding trust and self-protection. Her difficulties with boundaries can be traced to the dysfunctional dynamics she experienced during childhood.

Impact on Understanding and Setting Boundaries

1. Porous Boundaries and Naivety:

Growing up in a household where emotional needs were neglected or manipulated, Emma may have overcompensated by overly trusting others, almost to the point of naivety. This porous boundary style often results from a lack of emotional guidance during formative years, where trust in others is given freely without understanding the need to evaluate situations critically. Inconsistent caregiving from both parents—especially the unpredictability of a BPD mother—may have contributed to her tendency to trust without sufficient caution, leaving her vulnerable to exploitation or disappointment.

2. Rigid Boundaries and Emotional Guarding:

Simultaneously, Emma likely exhibited rigid boundaries, particularly concerning her emotional world. Having grown up with a narcissistic father who likely dismissed or invalidated her emotions, she learned to withhold personal information, even from her parents. She wouldn’t share details about her relationships, breakups, or emotional struggles, which points to a deep mistrust of those closest to her, particularly her parents. Rigid boundaries are common in individuals who have been emotionally neglected or abused, as they protect themselves by isolating their true feelings and vulnerabilities from others.

Instead, as an adaptive strategy, Emma may have been in serial monogamous romantic relationships where she would go to get her emotional needs met. She could have also developed a tight-knit friend group where she could be vulnerable and get emotional support. 

3. Inconsistent Parenting and Boundary Confusion:

Emma’s parents’ inconsistent emotional availability and behavior contributed to her confusion about boundaries. Children of NPD and BPD parents often grow up with mixed signals—being alternately over-controlled and then ignored. Emma’s narcissistic father likely made her feel that her worth was tied to performance and external validation, while her borderline mother’s unpredictability may have left her feeling emotionally unsafe. This upbringing would make it hard for Emma to develop a clear understanding of healthy boundaries, as she had no consistent model of asserting her needs while still being open to others.

4. Fear of Rejection and Abandonment:

Raised in such an emotionally volatile environment, Emma may have developed an intense fear of rejection and abandonment. With her mother’s BPD and emotional instability, any assertion of boundaries might have been met with anger, guilt-tripping, or emotional manipulation, leading the daughter to feel that setting limits would result in rejection. As a result, Emma may have been reluctant to establish boundaries that could alienate others, contributing to her tendency to be overly trusting.

5. Dysfunctional Boundaries and Attachment Style:

The anxious attachment style Emma would have developed is reflected in her approach to boundaries—trusting too easily in some areas while withholding herself emotionally in others. This mirrors the push-pull dynamic often seen in children of emotionally unstable parents. On the one hand, she desperately seeks connection and validation (porous boundaries); on the other hand, she protects herself from being hurt by withholding trust in vulnerable areas (rigid boundaries).

Emma’s ability to set healthy boundaries was shaped by the chaotic and emotionally unstable environment of her upbringing. The inconsistent and harmful parenting she experienced made it difficult for her to distinguish between trust and naivety, leaving her with a confusing mix of porous and rigid boundaries. 

Over time, learning to differentiate between safe and unsafe connections and recognizing when to assert her needs will be essential for Emma’s emotional healing and the development of healthier relationships.

Now, let’s explore how Emma might heal from this childhood and start to set healthy boundaries for herself.

Here are key steps Emma can take moving forward:

1. Recognize and Reframe Internalized Narratives

• Step: The first step is for Emma to recognize the internalized narratives of her parents. She likely internalized her father’s need for external validation and her mother’s emotional instability as core parts of her self-concept. These narratives have influenced her boundary-setting, making her feel her worth was tied to performance or caretaking. Emma may feel the need to rescue her romantic partners. 

As a result, Emma may feel the need to rescue her romantic partners. She may take on their issues as her own, believing that she’s meeting the needs of her partner. However, Emma is participating in co-dependent behaviors, not having a clear understanding of where she ends and her partner begins.

• Actionable Step: Emma will want to work on cognitive reframing in therapy or through journaling to separate her own identity from these external influences. Emma will want to reflect on what she genuinely values and needs outside of her parents’ conditioning. She will also want to start and track the times in her romantic partnerships where she feels the pull to rescue, fix, over-function, or take on her partner’s emotional experience. 

2. Develop Clear, Healthy Boundaries

• Step: Emma will want to begin working on boundary-setting in relationships by identifying her limits and where she feels discomfort or resentment. The goal is to balance openness with others and self-protection from emotional exploitation.
• Actionable Step: Emma can start small by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations, such as telling a friend “no” to an invite when Emma feels overwhelmed. Gradually, she’ll want to extend this to more challenging dynamics, such as setting boundaries with family members or romantic partners.
• Therapeutic Approaches: Therapy approaches like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can help her recognize emotional triggers and establish boundaries effectively, particularly with the emotional dysregulation she may have inherited from her mother.

3. Work on Healing Attachment Patterns

• Step: The daughter likely developed an anxious attachment style, which often results in alternating between porous and rigid boundaries. To heal from this, Emma needs to rebuild a sense of security within herself and in her relationships.
• Actionable Step: Emma may consider working with a therapist who specializes in attachment-based therapy to explore the push-pull dynamics of her relationships. This will help her understand why she gravitates toward certain behaviors and how to establish healthier attachment patterns that allow for secure connection while maintaining boundaries.
• Self-Reflection: Using self-reflection exercises like journaling, Emma can begin to explore and unpack past relationships and recognize patterns where boundaries were too porous or rigid.

4. Establish Emotional Independence

• Step: One of the major challenges of growing up with NPD and BPD parents is feeling responsible for their emotions and well-being, which can lead to codependency. Emma needs to break this cycle by developing emotional independence. She needs to build the belief in herself that she is capable, competent, and can take care of herself. Working on her self-worth and confidence are critical components. 
• Actionable Step: Emma can begin by engaging in self-care practices that are solely for her emotional and physical well-being, such as hobbies, exercise, and mindfulness. This will help her realize that her emotional needs are valid and don’t need to be sacrificed for others. Doing things that bring her joy (without feeling guilty), doing things that are just for herself, and allowing herself to participate in activities that are purely for fun are all ways Emma can engage in self-care.
• Therapeutic Exercises: Emma will want to work on self-soothing techniques, like mindfulness or deep breathing when faced with emotionally charged situations, which can help her avoid seeking validation from others. Using meditation apps, listening to free meditations online, Yoga Nidra, and breathing exercises are all great ways to regulate the nervous system and will help Emma better handle times of stress.

5. Practice Assertiveness

• Step: Being raised by emotionally manipulative parents likely taught her to suppress her needs to avoid conflict. People pleasing is often an adaptive tactic children develop to maintain attachments to their parents and to ensure that they receive love. 

Moving forward, Emma will need to get in touch with her needs so that she can assert herself, express appropriate boundaries, and say “No.” Emma will have to learn how to let go of the belief that she’s responsible for what happens on the other side of that “No.” Assuming responsibility for the emotional states of her parents, or being parentified by her mother, Emma will likely feel pulled to manage the emotional experience of others and how they experience her. It’s important that Emma begins to understand that she is not responsible for other people’s emotions. 

• Actionable Step: Emma will need to start using “I” statements when asserting boundaries, such as “I feel overwhelmed when I’m asked to take on additional responsibilities without time to rest.” This allows her to communicate her needs clearly and directly without feeling guilt or fear of rejection.
• Therapy Tools: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help her identify thought distortions that make assertiveness difficult and work on developing positive self-talk.

6. Selective Vulnerability and Safe Relationships

• Step: Emma’s experiences have likely made her vulnerable to relationships where her needs are ignored or exploited. Learning to be selectively vulnerable—only sharing deeply personal information with people who have proven to be trustworthy—is key.
• Actionable Step: Re-evaluate current relationships. Identify who in her life provides reciprocal emotional support and who triggers emotional instability. Gradually open up in safer relationships while maintaining more guarded boundaries with individuals who feel less emotionally available or safe.
• Support Networks: Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Therefore, Emma will want to engage with supportive communities such as therapy groups or peer support networks where boundaries and emotional safety are prioritized.

7. Release Guilt and Shame Around Boundary-Setting

• Step: Often, children of NPD and BPD parents are made to feel guilty or selfish for asserting boundaries. A large part of Emma’s healing will involve releasing this guilt.
• Actionable Step: Emma will want to engage in self-compassion exercises where she reassures herself that setting boundaries is not selfish but a necessary part of healthy relationships. Therapy can also assist in reframing the false belief that boundaries equal rejection.
• Mindfulness Practices: Use mindfulness or loving-kindness meditation to foster a sense of self-acceptance and compassion for asserting her own needs.

Conclusion:

Emma’s journey to setting healthy boundaries will involve rebuilding her sense of self, practicing assertiveness, and learning to differentiate between safe and unsafe relationships. Therapy focused on attachment healing, self-compassion, and trauma recovery will help her navigate her emotional world and establish boundaries that protect her well-being while fostering healthier, more fulfilling relationships. As she learns to trust herself and recognize her own needs, she can move forward with greater confidence, resilience, and emotional safety.