In a previous article, we talked about Ashley’s story. She’s 45, married, and co-parents her 16-year-old daughter with her ex-husband, Zack. Outwardly, Ashley seems to have it all together—a good job as a development director, a strong marriage with Caleb, her supportive second husband, and a growing sense of balance now that her daughter is becoming more independent. But beneath the surface, Ashley struggles with intense, often paralyzing anxiety.
You can read more about her initial story here, and what Ashley discovered was at the root of her anxiety.
In this article, we’re going to expand on Ashley’s initial story to explore how she can begin to heal from childhood neglect, unpredictable parenting, growing up with an alcoholic, and the narcissistic abuse she experienced in her first marriage.
Integrating Internal Family Systems (IFS), Attachment Therapy, and Somatic Therapy can be a powerful approach to addressing Ashley’s unique situation creatively and holistically. These modalities can provide distinct and synergistic healing effects, especially when complemented by out-of-the-box methods such as ceremony, creative expression, and community rituals.
Here are some ways Ashley can begin her healing journey:
1. Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Developed by Dr. Richard Shwartz, Internal Family Systems is a therapeutic approach that views the mind as made up of different “parts” or subpersonalities, each with unique roles, feelings, and needs, all guided by a compassionate core Self that can lead to inner healing and transformation.
Dr. Schwartz defines IFS as “a transformative tool that conceives of every human being as a system of protective and wounded inner parts led by a core Self. We believe the mind is naturally multiple, and that is a good thing. Just like members of a family, inner parts are forced from their valuable states into extreme roles within us.” Source
Using this framework, Ashley can start by working with her therapist to identify her inner parts and their unique roles in her life.
- Explore and Befriend Her Inner Parts: IFS is especially helpful for someone like Ashley, who likely has multiple “parts” shaped by her experiences. For example, she may have a “Worried Protector” who anticipates Caleb leaving, a “Perfectionist” developed in her first marriage, and a “Little Girl” who still craves attention from a secure, caring figure. Ashley can work with her therapist to visualize and interact with these parts, understanding their positive intentions and origins.
- Creative Dialogue with Parts: Ashley could engage in expressive arts therapy by drawing or journaling to represent each part of herself. For example, she might write a letter from her “Little Girl” self to her adult self, expressing her needs. This practice helps integrate her parts in a compassionate way.
- Ceremony of Integration: Once Ashley has befriended some of these parts, she could hold a personal integration ceremony. This might involve lighting a candle for each part, speaking gratitude for how they’ve protected her, and inviting each part to find peace in her life now. She can set intentions to work together harmoniously, affirming her new path toward self-worth.
2. Attachment Therapy
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, explains how early relationships with caregivers shape a person’s ability to form secure, trusting bonds throughout life. Bowlby posited that secure attachment in childhood creates a foundation for healthy emotional development, while insecure attachment can lead to difficulties in relationships and self-regulation in adulthood. Source
- Re-parenting Practices: Ashley’s history of inconsistent parenting may have left her with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. To address this, her therapist can guide her in re-parenting exercises where she “speaks” to her inner child in a nurturing way. This might involve daily affirmations or visualizations of her “inner mother” providing the care Ashley never received.
- Secure Attachment Practice with Caleb: Regular “safe haven” rituals with her husband, Caleb, can help her build secure attachment patterns in her adult relationship. For example, they could try a weekly “Trust and Appreciation Ritual,” where they express gratitude and reinforce emotional safety. This might include holding hands, making eye contact, and expressing specific appreciation to reinforce stability and connection.
- Group Ceremony for Emotional Safety: Ashley could explore group healing through supportive women’s circles, where participants openly share stories and witness each other without judgment. This kind of community experience can help her feel safely held and understood, promoting the feeling of secure attachment beyond her intimate relationships.
3. Somatic Therapy
Somatic Experiencing (SE), developed by Dr. Peter Levine, is a body-centered approach to healing trauma that focuses on releasing the physical tension stored in the nervous system. Rather than revisiting traumatic memories mentally, SE helps individuals process and discharge stored survival energy in a safe and controlled way, promoting resilience and restoring a sense of calm and safety in the body. This approach emphasizes the body’s innate ability to heal and reset after traumatic experiences.
- Body-Based Self-Compassion Practice: Ashley’s body likely holds tension and guardedness from years of walking on eggshells in her relationships. Somatic therapy can help her release these stored emotions. For instance, she could begin each morning with a 10-minute practice where she places her hands on her chest and belly, connecting to her breath, and silently affirming, “I am safe,” “I am valued,” or “I am enough.” This can ground her nervous system and reinforce self-compassion.
- Shaking Therapy and Movement: Inspired by somatic experiences, Ashley can try “shaking” out negative energy whenever she feels anxiety bubbling up, especially if it relates to fears of abandonment. She can stand and gently shake her arms, legs, and torso, releasing trapped energy from her body. This physical release can help her reset and feel more in control of her emotional state.
- Healing Touch Ceremony: Ashley could work with a somatic therapist trained in therapeutic touch or attend a bodywork session where she focuses on feeling safe in her body. As she receives supportive physical contact, she might set intentions for releasing old wounds held in her physical form.
Ashley’s journey to healing is a layered, compassionate process that honors the depth of her past while empowering her present. Through Internal Family Systems, Attachment Therapy, and Somatic Therapy, she’s discovering how to cultivate a secure, self-compassionate foundation within herself.
Ashley is gradually reclaiming her sense of self-worth by nurturing her inner child, connecting to her body, and developing secure attachment practices with Caleb. Her story reminds us that true healing is both an inward journey and an outward practice—a continual process of self-discovery, forgiveness, and reconnection to one’s core Self.
As she learns to integrate these therapeutic tools, Ashley is building the resilience and inner peace she once thought impossible, offering hope to anyone who’s been through similar struggles.
