In this article, we delve into Amira’s journey of distinguishing between compassion and enabling—an often blurry line when we grow up in dysfunctional family environments. Like Amira, many of us have normalized toxic behaviors from our upbringing, sometimes unaware of the extent to which we’ve minimized our own trauma in the process.
As we begin to heal, we’re frequently told things like, “When people know better, they do better” or “Forgive your parents and let go of the past to heal.” While these statements carry truth, what do we do when the abuse doesn’t stop? What happens when those who hurt us refuse to take accountability or change their behavior?
This blog will explore how adults raised in dysfunctional family systems can navigate these complicated parent-child dynamics. Often, these relationships are marked by parentification, making it difficult to discern where and how to assert healthy boundaries. But one vital truth remains: as children, we were not responsible for the choices the adults in our lives made—those choices were theirs to carry.
Preserving the Parent/Child Relationship at all Costs
The phrase “my parents did the best they could at the time” can work against an individual when it is used to invalidate their own emotions or to avoid holding parents accountable for harmful behaviors, especially in cases involving parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), or addiction. While this statement can stem from a place of compassion and understanding, it can also become a way to bypass accountability, reinforce unhealthy patterns, and perpetuate porous boundaries.
When Compassion Becomes a Barrier to Accountability
Compassion for her parents’ past trauma or emotional difficulties can become problematic when Amira loses sight of her needs and emotional experiences as a response. Amira might justify their behaviors by attributing them to her parents’ unresolved trauma. While it’s true that trauma can influence behavior, this does not excuse harm, and accountability is still necessary for healing.
Growing up, Amira was thrust into a caregiver role to help manage her mom’s emotional instability. She felt responsible for regulating her mother’s volatile emotions (i.e., walking on eggshells, people-pleasing, and not expressing any needs) while simultaneously trying to meet her father’s insatiable need for admiration. Tap dancing her way through life; she became the perfect daughter—straight A’s, track star, and youth church leader—all the while suppressing her emotional needs.
Despite these outward accomplishments, Amira’s home life created deep confusion about boundaries and a sense of over-responsibility for others’ well-being, leading her to engage in codependent relationships and struggle with low self-worth in adulthood.
Here’s how Amira’s family dynamic created a few challenges:
- Emotional Minimization: Amira may downplay her own hurt, saying, “My parents went through so much, so I should be more understanding.” Or, “Knowing what my mother went through as a child in an abusive home, it makes sense why she is the way she is.” These rationalizations can lead to feelings of guilt for even acknowledging that her parents’ behaviors caused her harm, and it invalidates her need for boundaries and healing. Compassion in this context might suppress Amira’s emotions, reinforcing the idea that her needs are less important than understanding her parents’ trauma.
- Lack of Boundaries: Saying “they did their best” can result in Amira having porous boundaries—allowing her parents’ harmful behavior to continue unchecked because she doesn’t hold them accountable. Porous boundaries often show up as a failure to protect oneself from emotional harm, such as continuously accepting emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, or abusive behavior because “they didn’t mean to.” This can prevent Amira from setting clear, healthy boundaries with her parents to protect her emotional well-being.
- Enabling Dysfunctional Behavior: If Amira continually excuses her parents’ behaviors as a product of their past trauma, she may be enabling ongoing toxic dynamics in the relationship. This allows dysfunctional behaviors to persist without change because the parents are not held responsible for their actions. Compassion without accountability creates a cycle where Amira will continue to absorb the emotional consequences of her parents’ unresolved issues.
The Importance of Balanced Compassion
It’s important to balance compassion for what the parents went through with the understanding that their trauma does not justify emotional abuse or neglect. A key part of healing is recognizing that both can coexist: parents may have genuinely suffered and done their best, but that doesn’t erase the harm caused. Accountability is essential for personal boundaries and healing.
Healthy Boundaries Example: Amira can acknowledge her parents’ struggles while also asserting her own needs and holding them accountable. For example: “I understand that you went through difficult times, but your behavior still caused me pain. I need you to be more aware of your tone and words when speaking to me.” This allows Amira to maintain compassion and prioritize her healing and emotional safety.
Summary
In this case, Amira having porous boundaries and not holding her parents accountable for their actions—whether it’s due to their trauma or not—can prevent her from healing fully. While compassion for parents is important, it should not come at the cost of Amira’s emotional health or allow harmful behaviors to continue unchecked. Setting clear, healthy boundaries, even with understanding and compassion, is crucial for breaking the cycle of dysfunction and protecting oneself.
