Meet Ashley. She’s 45, married, and co-parents her 16-year-old daughter with her ex-husband, Zack. Outwardly, Ashley seems to have it all together—a good job as a development director, a strong marriage with Caleb, her supportive second husband, and a growing sense of balance now that her daughter is becoming more independent. But beneath the surface, Ashley struggles with intense, often paralyzing anxiety.
At the core of her anxiety is her relationship with Caleb, who is five years younger and runs a successful cabinetry business. Caleb’s calm and independent nature initially brought Ashley a sense of grounding, especially in contrast to her first husband’s controlling and critical behavior. But as life has slowed down, Ashley finds herself obsessing over Caleb’s feelings, constantly questioning his love and commitment:
Will he grow tired of me? Will he become successful and realize I’m not enough? What if he leaves me for someone else?
These doubts flood her mind, bringing her back to feelings of insecurity she thought she’d left behind. Desperate for relief, Ashley turns to therapy, hoping to understand why her anxieties have intensified.
Through therapy, Ashley starts to see patterns stemming from her first marriage to Zack, who often minimized her feelings and used her as an emotional caretaker. She had learned to anticipate his needs in her attempts to adapt, ignoring her own. Zack rarely apologized, was highly critical, and expected perfection in public while emotionally distant at home. Ashley began to confuse love with the need to prove herself, constantly losing touch with her needs.
Further, Ashley reflects on her childhood, where her mother provided material comforts yet often withheld emotional support. Surrounded by material wealth, Ashley felt guilty for needing anything more. Gifts came with strings attached—her mother’s way of securing loyalty and obedience—and Ashley learned that asking for emotional support was selfish.
Now, Ashley realizes that her fears about Caleb leaving are echoes of unresolved childhood neglect and patterns from her first marriage. Through her therapy, she has identified key issues:
- Confusing Material Care with Emotional Support: Growing up, love was shown through gifts, not affection. Now, Ashley is learning to ask for emotional care and understands that her worth goes beyond material comforts.
- Fear of Being Seen as “Needy”: Years of being told she was “spoiled” created guilt around expressing needs. Ashley realizes her need for emotional support is valid and does not make her selfish.
- Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Her history of caregiving without reciprocity has left her with porous boundaries, especially around asking for what she needs in relationships.
Together with her therapist, Ashley is creating a plan to reclaim her emotional security:
- Emotional Regulation Techniques like breathing exercises and EFT tapping to help calm her mind.
- Self-Care Practices focused on identifying her needs and building a healthier self-dialogue.
- Regular Check-Ins with Caleb to build emotional safety, allowing Ashley to express her needs openly while reducing her anxiety.
Through these strategies, Ashley is learning to find inner peace without waiting for others to validate her. She’s gradually understanding that her past no longer has to dictate her present.
